What's your Ratio

What if you had spent the 5 minutes reading this article actually talking to somebody? I bet you would learn more. As much as my ego wants to believe that my words will unlock doors for you, experience tells me this isn’t case.

You have to unlock and open the door yourself. The nature of an interaction is that it involves other people. Think about how much time you spend reading on-line. What is the ratio of that with how much time you spend actually talking to people. Not just cold approaching but hanging out with friends purely for the enjoyment of their company. And having normal, non pick up related conversation. Now ask yourself; is this ratio really serving my goal of meeting and connecting with women.

I’ve spent the last couple of years of my life in a small town that has no other community guys I know of. I can read on-line and learn something and then I have to apply it in normal conversations. There is no post-set debrief. No community lingo or two hour conversations about the merits of cocky-funny vs. appreciation. I couldn’t have asked for a better learning environment. These aren’t bad things; they just probably won’t help you learn much about interacting with other people. Not as much as grabbing lunch with an old friend, finding out what is going on in their life and reigniting a connection based on a mutual concern and appreciation.

A healthy ratio is about 60:10. For each 10 minutes you spend on-line reading community stuff you want to be out and being social for at least an hour. The sooner you do this the better. Then you can encounter real world situations and do real learning. Instead of spending an hour every night reading pick up stuff, call all your friends and see what is going on. Go out to a bar or restaurant for an hour, grab a drink and talk to the bartender if nobody is around. If you don’t enjoy approaching then don’t. Just get out of the house and be social. Follow Social Hitch Hiker’s post http://www.charismatips.com/?p=158 on how make that a reality. If you must stay in then call an old friend just to say hi and catch up. Do this for 3 months and you will see more progress then you would achieve in years of studious reading.

The more time you spend with friends the better you get at having a natural social calibration. Naturals learned how to do their thing by being out and talking to people. If you want the results of a natural start behaving like one. Set achievable goals that get you out of the house doing things and then go get it! Don’t worry if you miss reading a post or two on the boards. That is a sign that you’re starting to get it. Once you get the natural flow meeting women is just as easy as reading a post but so much more cuddly and fun.

A Curious Decision

Reflecting on my path through social dynamics I’m starting to see what thought patterns shifted that transcend any conversational technique. The most fundamental change in how I approach an interaction was learning to take an interest in the lives of all people. My natural tendency was one of self-absorption and factual exchanges. Asking people about their lives took a curiosity that felt strange. After all who was I too ask personal questions and expect an answer especially when I wasn’t inherently interested. My first girlfriend lived about 30 minutes away from me and I remember awkward car rides between our houses’ involving forced smiles and loud music.

Now I can’t remember the last time I was around a person I wanted to talk with and the conversation felt forced. The simple change that I made was to be constantly curious about the people around me. And it was a conscious decision. The first thing I convinced myself was that every person has infinite things to discuss and that there are endless commonalities. We all have a favorite food. We all have parents. Most people like movies. Most people went to high school. Most people like having adventures and friends. We all have dreams and hopes. We all have embarrassing moments. All it takes is one question (preferably open-ended) to unlock limitless possibilities.

Once I began to take an interest in the lives of others an interesting thing happened; I began telling stories that answered my own questions. Soon after deciding to be curious I had stories that people wanted to listen to. I started meeting people who were full of interesting stories. Of course these were the same types of folks I was already meeting but without curiosity I never would have gotten to know them in all their coolness. Suddenly it wasn’t random people but friends and there were so many the challenge became keeping track of them all. Being socially connected meant I stopped having to look hard to find a date. Either my friends knew someone interesting and pretty to introduce me to or I saw a girl with an interesting shirt and I had to know the story. It all started with the conscious decision to be curious.

Touch Her!

I’m talking to an attractive girl and we are at a point where she is sharing something amazing. I wrack my brain thinking of the perfect reward or witty statement to show my appreciation of her. What to say, what to say? And then I remember that an easy way to escalate is to show my appreciation in a physical manner. I kino by grabbing her hand and watch her smile as I say whatever (rather unspectacular) thing that pops into my mind. We continue to talk and grow closer, in every sense of the word, to each other.

Kino is fundamentally important to escalation. The smoothest talker in the world is going to have a hell of a time getting sexual with anybody if he hesitates while touching. The timing and application of kino is something that requires intuition, presence and balls. Left to my own I devices there is a good chance I’m lacking in one of these three at any given moment. It helps me to breakdown what is effective so I can use logic to know that I’m touching in a way that is appropriate and pleasant.

I have separated kino in to two different categories in my mind, casual kino and escalating kino. Casual kino is quick touches to the outside of the arm, shoulder, wrists or wherever and works basically all the time. I usually open with the back of my hand to their upper arm to get attention before I speak. A warm hand-shake (the hand sandwich) or a hug during introductions is a must. I then use casual kino throughout the entire interaction. When I ask a question, relate, give a reward, etc, I tap their arm or shoulder in a way that is both relaxed and committed. I don’t leave my hand there very long but my moves are slow and confident. I like giving people high fives or the rock as well because it is fun and light (an energy that I enjoy bringing into an interaction.) Casual kino isn’t very risky and doesn’t escalate rapidly but it is important as it makes the other person comfortable with the fact that we will be in physical contact. This kind of kino is appropriate with most people and in most social situations without seeming strange. I touched my family members in this casual way throughout the holidays and thus far have not been accused of trying to pick up on my cousins.

Escalating kino is where the timing and application make a huge difference. Always escalate the interaction on her high points. Her high point is defined by her putting energy into the interaction like when she is telling a story, joke or opening up. This makes her feel she earned the kino, thus she enjoys it fully. My first big kino jump is usually taking her hand and holding it briefly right as she finishes telling me something she is excited about. Whenever I take a woman’s hand we both feel the ripple of energy through the air. It is an action that clearly demonstrates that we are connecting on personal (bordering on sexual) level. I also like to whisper a secret in her ear, sometime an SOI, to similar effect. Sometime around this point I make sure to SOI so the kino can start becoming more sexual (i.e. hand on her thigh, small of her back, pulling her in close, etc.) The crucial thing is that these escalation points happen on HER high points.

A few things to watch out for while touching.
1) Make sure to commit to the touch in a way that is slow, deliberate and confident.

2) Use kino as a reward and on her high points. When I do this it is almost always accepted positively and she rarely pulls back.

3) Don’t look at your hand or where you’re touching her. Look at her eyes in a confident way or don’t look at anything. I never ask to kino. I’m the man god dammit and I’m leading this interaction is a way that is confident and self-assured. She’ll let me know by pulling back if I overstep.

4) If for some strange reason she pulls back, I pull back too (slowly and confidently.) If I reach for a girl’s hand and she doesn’t seem to like it I’ll slowly move my hand away, wait a bit and calmly lean back while I continue to build rapport. Don’t get rattled, just keep building rapport and escalate again using a different form of touch.

5) Don’t hold to long. A few seconds at first and progressively longer. If you’re hand feels like it has been there too long it probably has, move it away and bring it back in a different way on the next high point.

6) Be flexible and watch what she likes. There are no concrete rules to escalation. If she doesn’t seem to enjoy touch then back off. Use verbal methods of escalation and come back to kino later.

7) If you feel like touching her, you probably should! Obviously don’t just grab her crotch but when that escalation window opens up it is important to climb on through it. I always get butterflies in my stomach when I reach for her hand because it is something I wouldn’t have done in the past. So I’ve learned that butterflies in my stomach means “I like this girl” and “it is time to escalate.”

By committing to kino in a confident way and escalating when it makes sense (once again: on her high point) I demonstrate that I know how to lead an interaction. I think of it like a dance. Ask any woman who is into dance she will tell you that a man who is a strong lead gets women turned on and she will follow wherever he wants to lead!

Never Ending Topics

When I begin talking to a brand new person there can be a hesitancy on their part. Many people are not sure exactly what to say when getting to know a stranger. They could have all the desire in the world to get to know me but they have no idea how to reveal themselves without feeling random or weird. I like people who are random and weird (I sure am) but social anxiety is, unfortunately, a powerful force.

One power tool that helps overcome this force is relating based on emotion or experience. It opens up a lot of topics that are now safe for both of us to discuss. These are examples from three different conversations.

Example 1:

Me: So why did you move to this town?
Her: I guess it is because I love change. I didn’t know anybody here and it just felt right so I followed it.
Me: That is a really bold thing to do. I find when I take a chance it is always rewarding. When I first started playing music I felt so nervous and hesitant but I knew it would be a healthy addition. Now I can pick up the guitar and even though it might not sound pretty I’m happy with how I’ve chosen to spend my time.

Conversational options now

A: Be quiet for a second and let her choose how to respond. (she quite possibly will, there is a lot to discuss now)

B: What is your artistic outlet? (or any artistic expression question)

C: What was it like living in a brand new city? (or any new experience question)

The conversation could go many ways. That is the point! All of a sudden we have exciting things to discuss and explore about each other. This first subject is open and safe to return to so the conversation feels loaded. Instead of talking about one subject the conversation is now moving toward us getting to know each other as whole people.

Example 2:

Me: I get really enthusiastic when I hear about what inspires people. What is your inspiration?

Her: Hmmm… I’ve been really into painting lately. (vacuum) It really relaxes me and I can disconnect from the world.

Me: Nice! That reflects a balanced attitude, must be one reason why you radiate such a good energy. I can get so busy with things that I forget to relax. One thing that helps me relax is a good meal. I love healthy, organic stuff like baked tofu and a salad. I’m a hippy at heart and a satisfying, natural meal leaves me feeling so peaceful.

A: Be quiet for a second and let her choose how to respond.

B: What is your favorite meal?

C: What subjects do you enjoy painting?

Example 3:

Me: I get an exploration energy from you. I bet you have some travel stories.

Her: Hell Yeah! I love to travel. I just got back from Chile and the people there were so cool and interesting. I made so many new friends and it seemed like everyday we were going on some new adventure.

Me: Your enthusiasm is infectious. Give me the rock! I just found out that there are people who actually surf here in Oregon. That sounds intense and sometimes I just like being warm with a book. But still surfing the icy water will be my next adventure.

A: Be quiet for a second and let her choose how to respond.

B: What adventures do you have on your plate now?

C: Tell me about one of your Chilean adventures.

Talking like this makes for conversation that is fast and interesting, giving lots of topics to come back to since none of the topics have been beaten to death. Any of these topics can be revisited at a later point. Especially with little throw back comments that demonstrate how well you now know each other (i.e. “you’re the most interesting Andes hiking, letter to the editor writing person from Seattle that I’ve met tonight,” “so not only do you _____ but you also ______. Ok I’m impressed but don’t get a big head and ruin it.” “We’ll have to share travel pictures when you show me your pottery”) It is important to speak slowly and pause a lot while talking. Read the above examples in hyper speed and they sound weird as hell but read them slowly with descriptive emotion and they open up a relaxed, comfortable conversation.