Never Ending Topics

When I begin talking to a brand new person there can be a hesitancy on their part. Many people are not sure exactly what to say when getting to know a stranger. They could have all the desire in the world to get to know me but they have no idea how to reveal themselves without feeling random or weird. I like people who are random and weird (I sure am) but social anxiety is, unfortunately, a powerful force.

One power tool that helps overcome this force is relating based on emotion or experience. It opens up a lot of topics that are now safe for both of us to discuss. These are examples from three different conversations.

Example 1:

Me: So why did you move to this town?
Her: I guess it is because I love change. I didn’t know anybody here and it just felt right so I followed it.
Me: That is a really bold thing to do. I find when I take a chance it is always rewarding. When I first started playing music I felt so nervous and hesitant but I knew it would be a healthy addition. Now I can pick up the guitar and even though it might not sound pretty I’m happy with how I’ve chosen to spend my time.

Conversational options now

A: Be quiet for a second and let her choose how to respond. (she quite possibly will, there is a lot to discuss now)

B: What is your artistic outlet? (or any artistic expression question)

C: What was it like living in a brand new city? (or any new experience question)

The conversation could go many ways. That is the point! All of a sudden we have exciting things to discuss and explore about each other. This first subject is open and safe to return to so the conversation feels loaded. Instead of talking about one subject the conversation is now moving toward us getting to know each other as whole people.

Example 2:

Me: I get really enthusiastic when I hear about what inspires people. What is your inspiration?

Her: Hmmm… I’ve been really into painting lately. (vacuum) It really relaxes me and I can disconnect from the world.

Me: Nice! That reflects a balanced attitude, must be one reason why you radiate such a good energy. I can get so busy with things that I forget to relax. One thing that helps me relax is a good meal. I love healthy, organic stuff like baked tofu and a salad. I’m a hippy at heart and a satisfying, natural meal leaves me feeling so peaceful.

A: Be quiet for a second and let her choose how to respond.

B: What is your favorite meal?

C: What subjects do you enjoy painting?

Example 3:

Me: I get an exploration energy from you. I bet you have some travel stories.

Her: Hell Yeah! I love to travel. I just got back from Chile and the people there were so cool and interesting. I made so many new friends and it seemed like everyday we were going on some new adventure.

Me: Your enthusiasm is infectious. Give me the rock! I just found out that there are people who actually surf here in Oregon. That sounds intense and sometimes I just like being warm with a book. But still surfing the icy water will be my next adventure.

A: Be quiet for a second and let her choose how to respond.

B: What adventures do you have on your plate now?

C: Tell me about one of your Chilean adventures.

Talking like this makes for conversation that is fast and interesting, giving lots of topics to come back to since none of the topics have been beaten to death. Any of these topics can be revisited at a later point. Especially with little throw back comments that demonstrate how well you now know each other (i.e. “you’re the most interesting Andes hiking, letter to the editor writing person from Seattle that I’ve met tonight,” “so not only do you _____ but you also ______. Ok I’m impressed but don’t get a big head and ruin it.” “We’ll have to share travel pictures when you show me your pottery”) It is important to speak slowly and pause a lot while talking. Read the above examples in hyper speed and they sound weird as hell but read them slowly with descriptive emotion and they open up a relaxed, comfortable conversation.